Episode 11: What the Fuck?!?
“What the fuck?!?” asked Hardy, cradling the frozen infant in his hands. “How the fuck?!? Did you … how did you … I mean, what the fuck?!?”
“Elementary, my dear Mr. Hardy,” Mark Hazzard said over the loudspeaker. “As you will recall, some years ago, you and Jacky Minx had a torrid love affair. I loved Jacky Minx and I was incredibly jealous of the love you had for one another. I hated you so much. Every night when I was having sex with Jacky Minx all I could think about was how I would someday kill you.”
“You had sex with Jacky Minx every night?” Hardy asked.
“Yes,” Jacky Minx said over the loudspeaker. “But it was always you I loved, Sargeant Hardy!”
“Silence!” shouted Mark Hazzard. “This is not a discussion about who loved who more. Those were dark times and I think we can agree that we all loved each other and hated each other too.”
“Agreed,” said Jacky Minx.
“Agreed,” said Hardy.
“Did Mark Hazzard just imply that he and Sargeant Hardy were in love?” Beans whispered to Lady Midnight.
“My darling Beans,” Lady Midnight laughed. “So naive.”
“Someone’s getting in trouuubllllle,” whispered John Nightnight, conjuring chuckles from everyone except Beans, who suddenly felt totally out of the loop.
“Now I will continue what I was talking about,” said Hazzard. “One night, when my hatred was at its strongest, I surprised Jacky Minx with a surprise visit. She seemed quite nervous. I went into her bedroom to have sex with her while she went into the bathroom to freshen up. And as I laid down in the bed, I realized why she needed to get fresh: the mattress was soaking in Sargent Hardy’s man goo.”
“Gross,” said Beans, not even bothering to whisper.
“Yes!” Hazzard screamed. “It was gross! It was gross and it was demoralizing! But it was also a golden opportunity for me to inflict the kind of psychological pain on Hardy that he had been inflicting on me for all those months. So I scooped up all that man goo and put it on ice, with the knowledge that someday I would use it to humiliate Sargent Pat Hardy forever!”
“Gasp!” gasped Sargent Hardy.
“I’m still pretty confused,” said Beans.
“Don’t you see?” Professor Blowjob said. “The electronic legs I made for Mark Hazzard were the perfect incubator! He must have gotten some lady eggs and mixed the man goo up with them and made a leg baby! And then he kept the baby in cryogenic freeze for thirty years, until the day he could capture Hardy and show it to him, thus humiliating him in front of the entire world!”
“Precisely,” said Mark Hazzard.
“But the question of the day is,” said Blowjob, “if Hardy is the father … then who is the mother?”
“Who else?” Hazzard asked. “It is Jacky Minx!”
“I knew this had your fingerprints all over it, Minx!” Hardy screamed. “Your dna, too!” He looked down at the frozen life in his hands. “So young,” he said tenderly. “So cold.”
“As the only other woman here, I must say: shame on you Jacky Minx,” said Lady Midnight, walking into the middle of the cave so that everyone would look at her. “You have used your reproductive powers for evil. In all my years as a woman, I have never heard of such an egregious violation of the womanly code.”
“First of all, I had no idea what Hazzard was planning on doing with my eggs when I gave them to him,” Jacky Minx said. “If you’ll recall, he did not come out as evil until he had his face scarred in that vat of acid. I assumed he needed them for good and the American way. Second of all, you are fat and I hate you.”
“I’d rather be fat than the mother of a frozen baby!” Lady Midnight screamed.
Beans was still confused. “I’m still so confused,” he said. “How is creating a frozen leg baby supposed to humiliate Sargent Hardy? It just sounds cruel to the baby.”
“Stop being naive, Beans!” shouted Hardy. “There’s a war on! And this motherfucker is the enemy! He froze my baby and now he must die!”
“Stop!” yelled Jacky Minx over the loudspeaker. “This is no longer about you, Hardy! It’s about our baby, and how we can unfreeze it. I’m not here because I hate Lady Midnight, although I do and I hope she dies. I am here because the minute I found out about the baby, I rushed to Mark Hazzard and begged him to unfreeze her so that I could raise her to be a proper woman of affluence, like me. But he said the only way he would do that is if I helped him cause your ruination.”
“Well you better get to ruining,” Hardy said, “because I’m about at the end of my rope. And there is no way I’m going to let my daughter grow up in a deep freeze.”
“Ask and ye shall receive!” shouted Mark Hazzard.
A robot claw came down from the ceiling and plucked the baby out of Hardy’s hands. And then the floor began to sink into a moat full of alligators!
Next Episode: Gatorscape!