Episode 7: The Storm Fighters

When Hazzard got out of the hospital, his face was scarred and he was crazy. He hated Hardy more than ever and now he hated all his old friends, too, and everyone who worked for the U.S. Special Forces. True to his word, he started his own organization to compete with the Agency, which he christened with the sweetest name that any group could have: the Storm Fighters.

The Storm Fighters weren’t the kind of people who helped old ladies across the street or assassinated dictators. They were the kind of people who sliced up nice guys for life. He put his team together by scouring prisons around the world to find the scummiest bunch of jerks in existence. Then he busted those jerks out of prison and put them in his gang. They were loyal to him only because he hypnotized them, otherwise they’d probably kill him, too. ‘Cause the guys in the Storm Fighters were seriously evil and loved killing people in a major way.

Around about that time the Agency promoted Hardy to be the Head of Counterintuitive Activities. Along with his promotion Hardy was tasked with creating a special team of operatives within the Agency who could take on the toughest and most secret missions, like spying and infiltrating. Hardy worked hard and assembled the most skilled group of good guys there ever was. There was Lady Midnight, the demolitions expert and seductress. There was John Nightnight, the hand-to-hand king. There was Snog-Dog, the sky sorcerer. And there was Professor Blowjob, the polymath. Beans wasn’t in the group yet because he was just a baby. And this group was no place for a baby.

When it came time to name his group, he knew exactly what he wanted to call it: the Storm Fighters. He didn’t know that Hazzard had chosen the exact same name, it was a total coincidence. But that was how Hardy and Hazzard were; they were two peas from the same pod, a complex pod made of strength and fighting.

When Hardy and Hazzard found out that they had named their groups the same thing, it was an explosion of anger.

“I’ll kill him,” Hardy screamed, “in court.”

But when they got to court, it turned out that Hazzard had done the smart thing and trademarked the name. So Hardy had to change the name of his group to the Storm Fighters of Courage. Not to be outdone, Hazzard changed his name to the Storm Fighters of Evil. So then Hardy asked if he could just go back to being the Storm Fighters, but the judge said to stop wasting his time.

Back at Storm Fighter central, Hardy broke the news to his team.

“That’s an awful name for our group!” shouted John Nightnight. “Let’s appeal the judge’s decision!”

“I don’t care anymore!” Hardy screamed. “I just want this story to end!”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” said Blowjob, back in the room at the Agency where Hardy was telling the story about how he founded the Storm Fighters of Courage. “I thought this story was about how Hazzard got into jail and then escaped.”

“You’re out of order, Blowjob,” Hardy said menacingly.

“Nice legal speak, Hardy,” Blowjob replied. “Where’d you learn that? Jerk school?”

“Assail you!” Hardy shouted, standing up and flipping the conference table on its side.

“Hey!” yelled the Commandant. “My sandwich!”

Hardy leapt on Blowjob with a mighty punch and kick.

“Quell that!” yelled the Commandant. “Not in my conference room, you don’t!”

“I’ll kick every last one of you motherfuckers!” Hardy shouted, then got kicked himself by Blowjob.

After that, anarchy broke out in the conference room. Get that much testosterone in one place and anarchy is bound to break out at some point. Everyone was punching and kicking and making bruises big time. Even Beans got in on the action. He didn’t really have a horse in this race, but above all else, Beans was a joiner.

It was up to the Commandant’s assistant to stop the runaway train of pain.

“All of you!” she shouted, and they stopped the senseless violence.

“I’m sorry, guys,” said Hardy. “Sometimes my feelings are scary.”

“It’s okay, brother,” they all said. “Fear is a universal emotion.”

Hardy’s story was over so it was the Commandant’s turn to speak. And to tell the rest of the tale about Mark Hazzard, even though two of the people in the room already knew most of it and no one gave a shit if Beans was in the loop.

Next episode: Hazzard by Fire