Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage: Episode 6

Episode 6: Who Is Mark Hazzard?

Mark Hazzard. The name sent shivers down Hardy’s bones. Professor Blowjob’s bones, too. Beans didn’t get the shivers because he didn’t know who that was. But he would. Oh yes, he would get the shivers because he would know exactly who Mark Hazzard was.

The first time Hardy encountered Mark Hazzard was back in his Army days, when they were both in the special unit that delivered death to anyone who challenged the American way. They became best friends who shared everything. During the day, they’d infiltrate bases and slice people’s throats, and at night they’d go out and drink pina coladas until the sun came up. And then they’d do it all again, because that was what it meant to be young and hopeful.

They traveled all over the world together, breaking international rules and treaties with the permission of the U.S. government. And then came the day that they met Jacky Minx, the most famous stripper in the world. Everyone loved Jacky Minx, from kings to Presidents to dictators. There were rumors she even had an affair with the Pope. But she was wild, like a wild horse. Hardy and Hazzard both tried to tame her, but Jacky Minx wouldn’t be captured by anyone. Along the way, Hardy and Hazzard grew to hate each other. They shared everything, but Jacky was the one thing they couldn’t share. And if they couldn’t share her, nobody could.

Hardy still remembered the look on Hazzard’s face the first time he caught him having sex with Minx.

“I can’t believe this,” he said.

“What?” the other asked. “How could I resist?”

“You betrayed me,” he shouted back.

“I loved him first!” Jacky shouted.

“Fuck you!” he said. “And you, too!”

Then he left and slammed the door, and he didn’t see him for another five years.

When Hardy finally saw Hazzard again, they were working on opposite teams. Hardy had taken up with the Agency. Hazzard was working with the Department. The two enemies ran into each other at an assassination one day and their hate was still strong, stronger than ever. From then on Hardy and Hazzard would fight each other every time they got a chance. After working together for so long they knew each others’ every secret. Their battles were legendary in the special forces community. One time Hardy punched Hazzard so hard the Storm Fighters had to buy him a new face. Another time Hazzard exploded Hardy’s car so bad you could flake his skin off with a butter knife. Hardy was all better now but the emotional wounds of getting exploded still remained.

Then in 2001 everything changed. The Agency ran into the Department at the special forces convention. Hardy raised his fist to do some punching but then he realized Hazzard wasn’t there. With Hazzard out of the picture, the Agency and the Department got to talking, and as it turned out, they had a lot in common. By the end of the night, they’d decided it was silly to have two different organizations doing the same basic thing. They joined forces and were henceforth known as the Department of the Agency of Special Operations for the Secret Factions of the United States Government, or the Agency, for short.

Hazzard didn’t take too kindly to the rest of his team getting together with his mortal enemy, particularly because they hadn’t even bothered to ask his opinion about it.

“Why would you do this?” Hazzard fumed. “You guys all know he’s my enemy! I fight him every time I see him! How can I work with someone like that?”

“Maybe it’s time you did,” the leader of the Department said, calling Hazzard’s bluff.

“Never!” Hazzard shouted. “I’ll start my own organization before I ever work with that traitor! And my organization will be the most righteous group of crime fighters on the planet!”

He turned around and began walking out of the office. But then he tripped on a plug and fell face-first into a vat of acid!

Next episode: The Storm Fighters