Episode 5: Airplanes and Agencies
The next morning the three friends drove to the airport where a private jet was waiting for them. One thing that was good about the Agency was that they didn’t skimp when it came to travel. The other thing that was good about them was their dental plan. Hardy once got a full root canal, and all he owed was a $10 copay. It was a PPO plan, so Hardy didn’t even need to get permission from his primary care physician. Which was good, because if there was one thing Sargent Hardy didn’t do, it was ask for permission.
The plane was awesome inside. They had cartoons and drinks and a meat and cheese platter. After three hours in the air, though, the boys got a little restless. They were men of action, and here they were, sitting on their dicks in a swanky air lounge like a bunch of little schoolgirls.
“When the fuck do we get off this bird?” Beans screamed at the flight attendant. “We gotta roll, roll, roll!”
“Sit your ass down, Beans!” shouted Hardy. “That’s an order!” Then, to the flight attendant, “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, I truly am. He’s young and doesn’t know how to talk to women yet. He doesn’t know that your type needs to be touched tenderly and spoken to in soft coos, that you need attention and support and a strong shoulder to lean on when times get tough. He doesn’t know what it means to be a man.”
“Hey!” Beans said angrily.
“It’s true!” Hardy said, turning to Beans with a furious look. “You’re just a kid, a child. Have you ever seen a world ripped apart by blood and hate?”
“No,” said Beans with fear in his face. “I’ve never … ”
“Well, I have,” said Hardy, shaking his head sorrowfully. “And it ain’t pretty. But it made me a man. And hopefully by the end of this adventure, you will be too.”
“All I can do is try my hardest,” said Beans sincerely. “And I mean to. I’m sorry, lady,” he said to the flight attendant. “I think you’re pretty.”
The flight attendant blushed. Hardy gave Beans the thumbs up sign and a wink.
“Way to go, Beans,” mocked Blowjob.
“Yeah, yeah,” Beans responded. “I’d like to see you try it, tough guy.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” Blowjob warned. “You just might get it.”
“Shut up, all you nancies,” said Hardy, who had settled back into his seat while Beans and Blowjob were talking. “I’m trying to watch cartoons.”
When they landed there was a limousine waiting to take them to Agency headquarters. They got inside the limousine and the Commandant was sitting in the back, waiting for them. They all said hi and then he handed them some tablet computers.
Things had really changed since Hardy started working for the Agency. Back then, they got all their information on punchcards that were impossible to read without a room full of supercomputers. Now it was small enough that they could hold it in their pockets. What’s next? he thought. Digital tacos?
“I don’t know if this computer is advanced enough for my purposes,” Professor Blowjob said, switching the subject in Hardy’s brain.
“You can use other computers, Blowjob,” the Commandant said. “This one just contains the information you need to know for the mission. You can do a lot of other stuff with it, too, but you don’t have to if you would rather use your own machines.”
“I would,” sniffed Blowjob. “Because mine are better.”
“You’re on thin ice, Blowjob,” the Commandant said. “I have a bone to pick with you, holing yourself up in that base like you did. What were you thinking? Don’t you care about America?”
“I love America,” Blowjob said, “it’s the Agency I’m not so crazy about.”
“Keep talking, pretty boy,” the Commandant said, his eyes narrowing to slits, “Or I’ll make you talk.”
Hardy put his hand on Blowjob’s shoulder. “All right, at ease, Professor,” he said. “I’ll take it from here.” Hardy turned to the Commandant. “So tell us, Chief,” he said, “what was so urgent that you needed to get us all back together again?”
The limousine stopped in front of Agency headquarters. They got out and walked into the building. The Chief flashed his badge at the security guard and the four of them walked down a hall to the elevator. They rode up the elevator to the 14th floor, got out, then walked down the hall into a conference room. The Commandant’s assistant brought them coffee and sandwiches.
“What is so urgent, Hardy,” the Commandant said, eating a grilled turkey sandwich, “is that Mark Hazzard just escaped from jail.”
Next episode: Who Is Mark Hazzard?