Episode 4: More of the Funny Story
“We lived in the shack for about four months, and it was cold and wonderful because we had our love to keep us warm. Every Friday we watched a movie and every Sunday we ate fresh caught squirrel. I felt like I was finding myself again, like I could take on the world. No more did I have to deal in murder and sadness. But my nightmares kept me up at night.”
Hardy was having so many nightmares his wife suggested he see a psychologist. He was resistant at first, but then they found a 50% off coupon that he could use. He began going to the psychologist ten times a day, sometimes twenty.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Hardy said. “Where else to go. I knew the answer was inside me, but I didn’t know how to find it. I begged him every day to tell me the secret or kill me. ‘But I can’t tell you the secret,’ he told me. ‘Only you know the secret.’ I hated him. But I loved him, too.”
“A psychologist?” Blowjob asked. “Isn’t that only for crazy people?”
“Yeah, well,” Hardy said. “Maybe I’m crazy.”
Blowjob nodded seriously.
“Maybe we all are crazy.”
They looked out the window at the snow. It was falling. For a moment they thought about how pure it would be to be that snow, driving down from the sky, landing in a soft pile and then melting away when the sun shined. Would it be wonderful? Or terrible? No one could say for sure.
Hardy took a swig of wine and got back into his tale.
“Eventually I learned what the problem was. The problem was that I needed to kill people. i always thought it was just something I did. But it turns out it’s something I am.”
“So what did you do, Hardy?” Beans asked, rapt in attention. “Did you kill someone?”
“I killed,” Hardy acknowledged. “I punched and kicked and knifed and feasted on their blood like a dog. But still the nightmares continued. So then I went back to the psychologist and he said that probably wasn’t the problem, and I should stop killing people.
“I was desperate. I could hardly sleep. My wife began locking me out of the house in the middle of the night. I started wandering up and down the highway, eating trash out of garbage cans. But nothing helped. The nightmares continued.”
“So what did you do, Hardy?” Beans asked.
“I started taking drugs,” Hardy said. “I found out there are all sorts of drugs that are designed to make bad things go away. The nightmares stopped, and now I’m healthy again.”
“Phew,” Blowjob said. “That story had me on the edge of my seat! So when did you go back to work for the agency?”
“A few weeks ago,” Hardy said. “They called at just the right time. I needed a new challenge, and you were that challenge. But you’re not the end of the challenge. We have a much bigger challenge ahead of us. Do you think you’re ready, Professor B?”
“You know me,” the Professor said. “I love a good challenge.”
“And are you ready, Beans?” Hardy asked.
“Lock and load, motherfuckers,” Beans said with a sneer.
“Then we’re doing it. We’ll leave in the morning. I’m getting the rest of the team back together. And together, we will take on this new challenge!”
“Yeah!” they all shouted and gave each other high fives.
“Get some sleep, men,” Hardy said. “Because after tonight, you might never sleep again.”
“Shit yeah!” they all shouted.
Next episode: Airplanes and Agencies