Episode 3: A Funny Story
Sargent Hardy told them the story. And it went like this.
After he quit the agency, Hardy flew to Thailand to do it with a bunch of prostitutes. His wife didn’t approve, but she knew her husband. When he got an idea in his head, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Hardy said. “I love my wife. I just needed a little time off for bad behavior.”
“Yeah, we know that old song and dance,” Professor Blowjob said, uncorking a bottle of wine.
“Was it sweet?” Beans inquired. He was a lot younger than the other guys and had never lived like they had.
“Was what sweet?” Hardy asked.
“The prostitues. Was it sweet?”
“What do you think?” Hardy said. “They were Thai!”
They all had a good laugh and then Hardy continued his story.
He stayed at the brothel for two months, doing it every way you could do it. He tried doggy-style, missionary position, and all that other stuff. Some days he did it so much he could hardly walk. But he still managed to go for a ten mile run every day. It was the only thing that kept him sane during those lonely nights.
After awhile he really started to miss the comforts of home, so he caught the next plane and took it back to Missouri. His wife was overjoyed to see him, but she insisted he get tested for V.D. Hardy was smart, though; he knew that he should always have a rubber on when he was doing it with the hookers. So he didn’t have any diseases, except for the diseases you get in your soul after spending two months in a brothel. But then he and his wife made good, slow love and he thought, “this is all I need.”
“I’m so sorry I left you, baby,” he said.
“Shh,” she said. “That’s all in the past. Now we’re together and this is the future.”
Then he showed her some new tricks he’d learned in Thailand. Dirty tricks.
They spent the next week in bed together and then he thought he would like to try some woodworking. So he invested in a bunch of saws and wood and set up a little shop in his garage.
“Sounds cozy,” joked Professor Blowjob.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Hardy said.
His woodworking was getting so good that Hardy decided to try and sell some of his pieces on the Internet. He sold a bunch of stuff and became quite rich. So then he and his wife moved into a bigger house and he bought more equipment. Then he made even better stuff that made him even more rich and he bought another house and even better equipment.
“It was a crazy ride,” Hardy said, “but after awhile I started to think about what I was doing. When would it end? I’d just keep making more money and buying bigger houses and fancier equipment. And then what? Would I touch the face of God?”
“That’s what I feel like sometimes with my bases,” Blowjob lamented. “When does it end?”
“Hey!” Hardy shouted. “This is my story! No, just kidding.”
Hardy continued to tell his story. He decided that day to sell all of his stuff and houses, and to pare down and live like a miser for awhile.
“But I like this house and this stuff!” his long-suffering wife shouted.
“But that isn’t what it’s about,” Hardy said. “I liked our simple life, back when we made love. Now it’s so much business and money and I can’t even see straight. I want it to be like it was. Don’t you?”
His wife admitted that no amount of good woodworking equipment could ever replace the simple pleasures of waking up in the morning to have jam on your bread and the warm breeze of a cool summer day. She took him in her arms and kissed him and told him she would never cheat on him again.
“You cheated on me?” he asked.
“Sometimes,” she said. “But all that is done now. This is what I want. And you are what this is.”
They gave all their money to a charity for rotten kids and moved into a small shack in the woods. Hardy kept some of his equipment, but he only made wood things for friends now. Never strangers. If Hardy ever saw a stranger poking around his shack he’d murder him. That’s the kind of guy he was; tough and brutal when he needed to be, but always tender in his heart.
“I thought you said this was a funny story,” Blowjob interrupted.
“Goddammit!” Hardy screamed. “I don’t go around interrupting your stories all the time! You don’t know nothing about having patience!”
He stood up from the table and raised the wine bottle over his head, fit to smash. Beans stood up and grappled the wine bottle from his hands.
“What are we doing?” Beans yelled. “What have we become?”
Hardy slumped in his chair. “I don’t know anymore,” he said quietly.
Blowjob grabbed his friend’s hand. “It’s all right, brother,” he said. “I’ve seen how these things work out and they never do. So let’s just keep telling the story and have some more wine. There’s nowhere to go with all that snow outside, anyway.”
“I could kiss you,” Hardy said. “But I won’t!”
“What do I look like?” Blowjob joshed. “A Thai prostitute?”
They all had another good laugh over that one. And then Hardy told more of his story.
Next episode: More of the Funny Story