Episode 2: Better Homes and Bases
Professor Blowjob made them such a good brunch they could hardly believe it.
“Damn, Professor,” Beans said, licking his chops. “All that and you can cook, too? Your mom must be so proud.”
Professor Blowjob looked out the window plaintively, sipping a chai. “I don’t have a mother,” he wailed.
Hardy put his arm around his old friend and nemesis. “It’s okay, Prof,” he said all serious. “We all make mistakes.”
“Yeah,” the Professor said quietly. “But your mistakes don’t kill the ones you love.”
The Professor thought back to the day it happened. His mom was in the kitchen, cooking up a pot of brownie stew. It was his favorite meal and it was just for him because it was his birthday. He was ten years old that day and had already made quite a name for himself in the hacker and chemistry communities. To celebrate his birthday, he was working on his biggest project yet, a giant space robot. But it was too much, too soon. The robot got out of control and crushed his mom to a pulp. Blowjob was sent to an academy for wayward boys, but it felt more like a jail. There he got involved with the criminal element and it had been a path back to righteousness ever since. He never ate brownie stew again.
“Hey, it’s all right,” Hardy said, pulling the Professor back into the present. “We’re here for you, man.”
“Yeah,” Beans agreed. “Yeah.”
“Well, nothing of it,” the Professor said, pulling himself together. “It makes us stronger. Now let me show you around the base.”
The base was amazing. Room after room after room of cool stuff. In one room there were a bunch of monkeys playing guitar. In another room there was a giant TV screen and every game you could ever imagine. In another room there was a huge pile of sawdust.
“What’s this room for, Professor?” asked Beans.
As they stood and watched, a creature came out of a door in the ceiling. It was like no creature Hardy had ever seen before. Beans said he saw something like it before but he was probably lying. They kept watching as the creature came down and ate all the sawdust, galump!
“Boy oh boy!” Hardy said, impressed. “I gotta get one of those for my shop!”
“Thanks,” the Professor answered. “I invented it.”
They kept walking and looking at more cool stuff. In the main computer room the Professor was a little pissed because there was blood and bodies everywhere from the guys Beans had shot.
“Did you have to kill them?” the Professor pleaded.
“It was that or they kill us,” Hardy said.
“True,” the Professor answered. “I trained them well. But not well enough.”
“That’s the business we’re in, Prof,” Hardy said quietly. “People die. Sometimes a little too much.”
The tour ended in the kitchen, where the Professor whipped up another meal that was just as awesome as the first. They all sat around and ate and reminisced about old times.
“We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we?” asked Hardy, when the reminiscing was over.
“We sure have,” the Professor acknowledged. “Now tell me, why did you guys try so hard to track me down again?”
“Well, it’s sort of a funny story …” Hardy began.
Next episode: A Funny Story