Sup, dudes? Okay, yeah, I haven’t posted in forever. I wanted to. I really did. But it’s really hard to write when both of yours arms have been chopped off in an industrial accident. I would assume, I mean.

Anyway. I haven’t written for awhile because I’ve been working my ass off on my new project, Awkward Press. Go ahead. Visit it. Love it. Click on things. Sign up for the mailing list. There will be a lot more to see soon, hopefully. And then later this summer you will be able to buy our first book, which would be awesome, because I have spent a lot of friggin’ money on it. And yes, Mr. Harmon, it will be available on the Kindle.

In the meantime, here are some things I’ve found lately that have been cracking me up.

1. Friends Magazine
As many of you know, my day job involves writing educational stuff for kids, like standardized tests and stuff. Sometimes we have to write questions about fake instruction manuals and things, to test kids’ knowledge of functional writing. I was doing research recently and I found this awesome fake magazine on one of the state tests:

You see, it’s a magazine for friends. It’s about how there are friends and things that you can do with them and where you can find them. Here’s a great idea for kids who don’t have any people friends: get a pet! Clearly, there’s nothing sad about that. And by nothing, I mean everything.

2. Marilyn Manson: Class Monster
From a recent Rolling Stone article about Lady Gaga:

“I want to be that guy,” [Manson] says in Gaga’s dressing room, as she screens her sleekly imaginative new “Paparazzi” video, which has her making out with a studly model. “I want to be balls deep.”

Gaga laughs it off, leaning on his shoulder. Manson points to a wire hanger on a nearby shelf. “You’re going to need these for the abortion later.”

3. Cigarette Squirrel
This amazing ad was in the LA Times this weekend. (For the record, I didn’t scan it improperly … it was that squashed-looking in the paper.)

4. Eminem: Class Monster 2
In an Entertainment Weekly article about Eminem, they devote a line or two to his failed marriage to Kim, his high school girlfriend. Of course, we all know what they’re talking about in this quote. But I still find it funny that this sentence is in an article about anyone anywhere.

Theirs had been a notoriously troubled union, marked by public disputes, lawsuits, and Eminem’s lyrical fantasies about gruesomely murdering her.