What’s the big humping deal with Glee? Being a total musical theater fag, I thought I was going to love this show. Plus, it’s been getting almost across-the-board rave reviews. Instead, I watched the whole thing with this expression on my face:

It was honestly unwatchable. I have never seen anything so self-consciously quirky in my life. The female characters all made me want to turn gay. There was a sassy black girl. There was a sassy black girl! The pace and tone made me feel like I was on mescaline inside Diablo Cody’s brain. And the plot! The football star with the amazing voice is forced to join the Glee club. When does that happen? Apparently, in Hollywood, all the time.

I have no problem with suspension of disbelief. What I have a problem with is suspending my disbelief because the writer refuses to accept reality. The idea is that these kids sound a mess and need the football star to save them. Fair enough. But so then why don’t you hire kids who can’t sing? Every single kid in the cast could have won American Idol in a heartbeat.

Plus, there were two minutes that were, I guess, supposed to be funny, but made me feel really, really icky. In one scene, the teacher in charge of the glee club wants to get the football player to sing for him, but he knows the football player won’t join on his own volition. So he plants drugs on him and says he won’t go to the cops if the kid joins the club. Hilarious! In another scene, the football players lock the kid in the wheelchair in a Port-a-Potty, which they plan on flipping over. This scene was designed so that we could see that the football player had changed, because he ends up saving the wheelchair kid instead of flipping the Port-a-Potty over with his football buddies. Okay, but how about NOT EVEN THE WORST SOCIOPATHIC BULLY IN THE WORLD WOULD TORMENT A KID IN A WHEELCHAIR. Why does it have to be the kid in the wheelchair? And why does it have to be a Port-a-Potty?

Oh, and how did the football player develop his amazing voice? Same old story we’ve heard a million times: his mom was lonely, so she hired a guy to take care of her lawn and also I guess bone her. The lawn guy gigolo archetype, you know? The lawn guy was an awesome singer, and he taught the football player to sing. But only Journey and REO Speedwagon songs. And then the lawn guy ran off with someone else, and stopped working on the football player’s lawn. But then he showed up again, working on the lawn at the high school, and he was singing “Don’t Stop Believing,” and so that’s what the choir sang for their concert, in which they used some kind of magical air auto-tuning device that made them sound like robots. What?